Letting Go of Control

I distinctly recall the moment I realized that our new circumstances would require me to let go of the wheel – and just how difficult that would be for me. 

I was driving across town alone on an errand a few days after Deb had just delivered our baby boy. Born four months premature, our family was just becoming accustomed to the fact that we would spend considerable time in the hospital’s NICU. The outlook was bleak at the time, and yet hopes ran high. The excitement of the birth of our son was steadily giving way to the realities of a serious situation – one that would have life-altering consequences no matter the outcome.

As I was driving along, I took the opportunity to use the quiet time and attempt to absorb what had happened to our family, and to begin planning for the immediate and long term future. For what would become so many instances of “convenient timing” along our journey, the song “Just Be Held” by Casting Crowns began to play on the radio. This was the first time I had listened to the song, and was overcome by emotion as the words seemed to have been written just for us and our situation.

Fighting back tears, my thoughts surprised me when they became audible and I heard myself yell out “Why is it so hard to let go?!” In that moment, one of weakness and confusion, I was confident that the lesson had become clear. My tendency for planning and organizing and steering must take a back seat if this was all going to work out for the best. I admitted to myself that I had not planned this, could not organize it and was completely out of the driver’s seat when it came to our son’s ability to handle his adversity. I also had to admit that the probability for a good outcome was not high, so what good would be served by my futile efforts to steer the ship against such a raging storm? The only option left to me was… to let go.

I cannot describe how difficult that decision was. I call it a “decision”, but I confess that is a poor description. A decision is choosing a path when one reaches a fork in the road. This was more like asking someone after they had stubbed their toe whether they should choose not to do it in the first place. What’s done was done, and the sooner I became used to it the better.

From that moment that I realized (actually, I had no real choice but to realize) that the matter was firmly in the grasp of God’s mighty hand, I felt more prepared to handle each new moment, no matter how stressful. Although the feeling of release went against every instinct I had, I have never regretted it and I am so very thankful I was able to have that moment of clarity. It has made all the difference.