(Original appeared June 2, 2016)

Deb and I have been dealing with a bit of guilt, thinking of how once the mourning process is complete we might actually find joy and comfort in returning to our old routines. I say that we feel guilt simply because thinking this way seems as though we might just gloss over our precious 44 days with Jacob as though they didn’t happen. But, we are quickly recognizing that there is something different going on in our lives. Returning to our old normal is not what is happening. We’ve been changed forever, and so even our old normal is forever impacted.

We have undergone a significant transformation during all of this. The transformation we have experienced (and frankly, are still enduring) seems to go hand-in-hand with another significant change in our lives: baptism. When we come to faith in Christ Jesus (typically through baptism), we become “under new management”. The process is similar to that run down restaurant you used to enjoy but where the old managers ran it into the ground. When you see a sign hung in the front window that says “Under New Management”, hope returns! The new manager begins to renovate, tearing out the old, and replacing with new.

Jesus refers to this renewal process on several occasions and in different aspects. A few examples are His use of the phrases “born again” or “take up your cross”. The concept is the same: laying down the old, and taking on the new. His phrases do not sugarcoat the process, which likely will be painful or at least uncomfortable. And yet, He is there through it all. We know that, if we suffer through this change following the loss of Jacob, our new Manager will make sure that the new is far better than the old. We cannot let the painful renovation process determine whether we will ultimately enjoy the end product. If that were the case, who would ever renovate their home with new paint, or a patio addition? We undergo the uncomfortable process with the end game in mind. We thank God that He has promised us that the end game is far better than the renovation process. We now put our faith in that promise.

So, are you under new management? Have you allowed the new manager to refurbish you, to tear out the old and renovate with the new?

(Original appeared June 1, 2016)

There is a bit of anxiety with the thought of entering back into the real world following the events of the last 7 weeks. The feeling might be similar to someone who has been in prison for years only to be released into the ‘real’ world. We had become so used to the routine of visiting the hospital, maneuvering our schedules, worrying about the latest medical reports, making tough decisions, while at the same time enjoying the fact that several others were taking care of the routine daily tasks for us at office and home. Now, we find ourselves released into the real world again. Others rely on us to perform, and what used to be a joyful duty seems as though it is almost frightening.
This process will hopefully come easier as time goes by. It just seems so odd that we almost felt ‘safe’ in the storm of anxiety, worry and stress and now feel new anxiety that the storm has passed. Maybe it is because we have no more excuses and are thrust once again into our roles of work, parenting, and volunteerism. I have every confidence that we will rediscover the same passion for these things over time. -R

(Original appeared June 1, 2016)

Many of you have mentioned that you’ve become “addicted” to these updates. We think that is wonderful. Deb and I felt the same way about the updates, feeling a sense of relief with each post we made.
But have we stopped to think about why we’re addicted? Is it because these updates involve the most precious among us – newborns? The sanctity of life? The hope and possibilities that every new child represents? Is it the ups and downs of the story line that pulls us in such that we can’t wait to see what comes next?
Whatever the reason, we are so glad that you have all joined us. Although this story didn’t seem to come to the conclusion we desired, we have already seen the impact it has made upon you and us. And perhaps, if we open our minds and hearts a bit more, we will realize that we haven’t yet reached the end of the story!
With that in mind, Deb and I would like to continue on giving updates. We imagine there will be stories of grief and sadness, but also of joy and relief. Through it all, we hope that God’s grace will shine brightly.

(Original appeared May 29, 2016)

“This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.”
Psalms 118:24

Truly, God has made THIS day too. This is the day we celebrate the life of our little boy Jacob. And, even today we will rejoice in God”s majesty and power. Thank you, dear Lord, for your blessings even in this sad affair. We seek great comfort in Him, and we find it there in the beautiful morning dew and rising sun. The only thing we might change on that verse above is to add an exclamation point at the end! – R

(Original appeared May 27, 2016)

Why does bad stuff happen to good people? Why does an infant only get 44 days on earth? Why do parents have to suffer the loss of a child? Why does this hurt so badly?

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord”. Is 55:8

There’s our answer. By that I mean there is both no answer as well as THE answer all at the same time. First, God’s intentions for us are beyond our comprehension. We don’t know what He has cooked up for us, or how He will use us to cook something up for someone else. Second, He’s in control, and that’s good enough for me. If I had to control each facet of everything going on in the universe that affects my life, I’d fail. Miserably.

What comfort we have that God is fully in control of things we cannot see or understand. Our time with Jacob is no different. When I ask these questions, I think of God’s response to Job during his struggles. To paraphrase Job chapter 38 (one of my favorite “Oh you think you’re so smart” kind of passages), Job has just questioned God and God responds by reminding Job that He’s got things under control:

• Who are you to question me when you don’t know what you’re talking about.
• Were you there when the very foundations of the earth were laid? Did you design it?
• Did you form the land and tell the sea to come this far, and no farther?
• Do you make the sun rise and set?
• Have you even seen the depths of the ocean, or the entire world at a glance?
• If you’re so smart, tell me all about how you form snow, hail, thunder, lightening, light, darkness, rain and plant sprouts.
• Have you been to the stars, or know how they are held together in the sky?
• Are you the one who designed the balance between predator and prey?

The answer to “why” is simply to trust in God fully and completely, knowing that the same one who has created the entire universe – perfectly- surely has a plan for Jacob and for us. And that is good enough for us. – R

(Original appeared May 26, 2016)

“And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.’ And he who was seated on the throne said, ‘Behold, I am making all things new.’”  Rev 21:3-5a.

We look forward to the day when there will be no more tears, or mourning, or pain; when all the remnants of sin have passed away; and when all things are made new. The very thought of Jacob being held in the lap of Jesus makes our hearts leap with joy. He now lives this promise of salvation and renewal – something we can only imagine at the moment. When we ask “why did this happen?” and receive no answer, we look to this promise and calmly say “we trust you, God, to make all things new.”

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” Prov 3:5

(Original appeared May 25, 2016)

Deb and I have given a lot of consideration to how we would like gifts and memorials to be directed in honor of Jacob. In lieu of flowers, please feel welcome to send a memorial to the Suburban Bethlehem Lutheran School Tuition Assistance fund. You can direct them to the school or bring them to the funeral service on Sunday. Our heart is invested in Christian education for children and these gifts would be a great alternative to flowers. Thank you all.

(Original appeared May 25, 2016)

The impact of Jacob’s life has been felt by so many. We are left to wonder how such a little guy, who spent nearly all of his days in a plastic chamber, could have done this? The answer is simple.
God’s influence is everywhere and in every moment. Sometimes he reaches us with a mere whisper. Sometimes, like in this journey, he reaches us like a boulder tossed into a lake. He makes a splash in our lives, and from there the ripples flow out. In concentric circles, evenly spaced and arranged perfectly without our intervention, God reaches out. Further and further the impact is felt even around the floating debris that is the junk in our lives.
For Deb and I, we may never know how far Jacob’s ripples will go or who they might reach. We leave the ripples to God and His good and gracious will. For now, we feel comforted to know that the ripples continue to flow. As time goes on, please feel free to share with us and each other how those ripples have reached you.

(Original appeared May 24, 2016)

We will celebrate Jacob’s life at Suburban Bethlehem Lutheran Church (off Hwy 30) on May 29, 2016 at 4:00pm, with visitation from 2-4pm. There will be a dinner after the service and all are welcome. If you wish to attend the meal, please leave a comment indicating you will attend. That will help us with a head count.

Again, thank you all for your warmth & support throughout this.

(Original appeared May 24, 2016)

“’O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?’ The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” 1 Cor 15:55-57

Today we celebrate Jacob’s homecoming into the loving arms of his Lord and Savior. Jacob was unable to recover from the stress of the surgery. His heart was already weak and just was not up to the task. The surgery took place about 3pm on Monday afternoon, and Jacob passed just after 1am Tuesday morning.
We know that Jesus has welcomed him, to join him at a seat on his lap, rejoicing that another lamb has returned to him. And while Deb, Addison and I (along with our entire family) mourn bitterly, we receive great comfort and overwhelming peace with this knowledge. How do I know this is true? Because Jesus took the time to tell us precisely that very thing.

“See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven. What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray?  And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray.” Matt 18:10-14

God’s design for us did not include this brokenness. He did not intend for Jacob to struggle, or for us to mourn. Instead, understanding the brokenness, God sent His son for us. What comfort we have knowing that our God, who lost his very own son, feels our sorrow and pain at this moment. What a relief to know that, having felt it himself, He will grant us the peace we need to keep going forward.

We will struggle with the “Why?” questions, and the various temptations to be angry and upset for quite some time. I just can’t imagine facing all of that without the knowledge – the firm grasp and conviction – that Jacob is safe at home. I hope to continue this journal for a little while longer simply because it will help Deb and I to purge. Feel free to stay along with us as long as you wish.  But for now, we want to you to grab your kids and hug them tight. Look them in the eye and tell them that they are loved. Treat them as the precious gifts that they are. Do not let even one of them be despised or go astray.
Our little boy has left us for now, but we will reunite with him in the midst of God’s great glory. And I am sure He will give Deb and I a wink and say “I told you… I’ve got this.”