(Original appeared June 3, 2016)

Have you ever noticed the disassembly process needed to turn a factory automobile into a race car? The power seats are ripped out and replaced with sturdy lightweight versions. The engine and suspension are replaced. Eventually you are left to wonder just how much of the original remains. The new car barely resembles the old and, if done properly, the new version is far superior to the old.

This is what the last few months have seemed like to us – the process of converting a slow and inefficient design into something built for a purpose. The process has been rough and painful much of the time. On a few occasions could we see the progression and enjoy what the possibilities could mean for us, but most of the time it was more akin to a root canal. We also have a suspicion that this journey has had an impact on you as well. The warm words, and expressions of love, we’ve received throughout (and particularly after Jacob’s passing) have convinced us that you too have joined us in the disassembly process.

I recall shortly after Jacob was born driving along and feeling sorry for myself. Gripping the wheel tightly with both hands, I asked “God, why is it so hard to let go of the old?” At the time, I’m not sure I knew what I was talking about. I just had an idea that Deb and I were in for an involuntary, significant change in our lives and that it would be tough given the fact that we were pretty set in our routine. Little did I know just how much I would need to let go of the old. That process is downright frightening, but all personal growth is that way. It’s a progression of ridding yourself of the old, tired stuff that weighs you down. Then you endure, embrace, and appreciate the new. This process can take days, weeks or years. So far, Deb and I have made some decent progress. And yet, there’s a sense of anxiety about what lies around the corner. We’re confident that God will embrace us throughout this disassembly process because, quite frankly, He’s in charge of it!

(Original appeared June 2, 2016)

Deb and I have been dealing with a bit of guilt, thinking of how once the mourning process is complete we might actually find joy and comfort in returning to our old routines. I say that we feel guilt simply because thinking this way seems as though we might just gloss over our precious 44 days with Jacob as though they didn’t happen. But, we are quickly recognizing that there is something different going on in our lives. Returning to our old normal is not what is happening. We’ve been changed forever, and so even our old normal is forever impacted.

We have undergone a significant transformation during all of this. The transformation we have experienced (and frankly, are still enduring) seems to go hand-in-hand with another significant change in our lives: baptism. When we come to faith in Christ Jesus (typically through baptism), we become “under new management”. The process is similar to that run down restaurant you used to enjoy but where the old managers ran it into the ground. When you see a sign hung in the front window that says “Under New Management”, hope returns! The new manager begins to renovate, tearing out the old, and replacing with new.

Jesus refers to this renewal process on several occasions and in different aspects. A few examples are His use of the phrases “born again” or “take up your cross”. The concept is the same: laying down the old, and taking on the new. His phrases do not sugarcoat the process, which likely will be painful or at least uncomfortable. And yet, He is there through it all. We know that, if we suffer through this change following the loss of Jacob, our new Manager will make sure that the new is far better than the old. We cannot let the painful renovation process determine whether we will ultimately enjoy the end product. If that were the case, who would ever renovate their home with new paint, or a patio addition? We undergo the uncomfortable process with the end game in mind. We thank God that He has promised us that the end game is far better than the renovation process. We now put our faith in that promise.

So, are you under new management? Have you allowed the new manager to refurbish you, to tear out the old and renovate with the new?

(Original appeared June 1, 2016)

There is a bit of anxiety with the thought of entering back into the real world following the events of the last 7 weeks. The feeling might be similar to someone who has been in prison for years only to be released into the ‘real’ world. We had become so used to the routine of visiting the hospital, maneuvering our schedules, worrying about the latest medical reports, making tough decisions, while at the same time enjoying the fact that several others were taking care of the routine daily tasks for us at office and home. Now, we find ourselves released into the real world again. Others rely on us to perform, and what used to be a joyful duty seems as though it is almost frightening.
This process will hopefully come easier as time goes by. It just seems so odd that we almost felt ‘safe’ in the storm of anxiety, worry and stress and now feel new anxiety that the storm has passed. Maybe it is because we have no more excuses and are thrust once again into our roles of work, parenting, and volunteerism. I have every confidence that we will rediscover the same passion for these things over time. -R

(Original appeared June 1, 2016)

Many of you have mentioned that you’ve become “addicted” to these updates. We think that is wonderful. Deb and I felt the same way about the updates, feeling a sense of relief with each post we made.
But have we stopped to think about why we’re addicted? Is it because these updates involve the most precious among us – newborns? The sanctity of life? The hope and possibilities that every new child represents? Is it the ups and downs of the story line that pulls us in such that we can’t wait to see what comes next?
Whatever the reason, we are so glad that you have all joined us. Although this story didn’t seem to come to the conclusion we desired, we have already seen the impact it has made upon you and us. And perhaps, if we open our minds and hearts a bit more, we will realize that we haven’t yet reached the end of the story!
With that in mind, Deb and I would like to continue on giving updates. We imagine there will be stories of grief and sadness, but also of joy and relief. Through it all, we hope that God’s grace will shine brightly.

(Original appeared May 29, 2016)

“This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.”
Psalms 118:24

Truly, God has made THIS day too. This is the day we celebrate the life of our little boy Jacob. And, even today we will rejoice in God”s majesty and power. Thank you, dear Lord, for your blessings even in this sad affair. We seek great comfort in Him, and we find it there in the beautiful morning dew and rising sun. The only thing we might change on that verse above is to add an exclamation point at the end! – R

(Original appeared May 27, 2016)

Why does bad stuff happen to good people? Why does an infant only get 44 days on earth? Why do parents have to suffer the loss of a child? Why does this hurt so badly?

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord”. Is 55:8

There’s our answer. By that I mean there is both no answer as well as THE answer all at the same time. First, God’s intentions for us are beyond our comprehension. We don’t know what He has cooked up for us, or how He will use us to cook something up for someone else. Second, He’s in control, and that’s good enough for me. If I had to control each facet of everything going on in the universe that affects my life, I’d fail. Miserably.

What comfort we have that God is fully in control of things we cannot see or understand. Our time with Jacob is no different. When I ask these questions, I think of God’s response to Job during his struggles. To paraphrase Job chapter 38 (one of my favorite “Oh you think you’re so smart” kind of passages), Job has just questioned God and God responds by reminding Job that He’s got things under control:

• Who are you to question me when you don’t know what you’re talking about.
• Were you there when the very foundations of the earth were laid? Did you design it?
• Did you form the land and tell the sea to come this far, and no farther?
• Do you make the sun rise and set?
• Have you even seen the depths of the ocean, or the entire world at a glance?
• If you’re so smart, tell me all about how you form snow, hail, thunder, lightening, light, darkness, rain and plant sprouts.
• Have you been to the stars, or know how they are held together in the sky?
• Are you the one who designed the balance between predator and prey?

The answer to “why” is simply to trust in God fully and completely, knowing that the same one who has created the entire universe – perfectly- surely has a plan for Jacob and for us. And that is good enough for us. – R

(Original appeared May 26, 2016)

“And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.’ And he who was seated on the throne said, ‘Behold, I am making all things new.’”  Rev 21:3-5a.

We look forward to the day when there will be no more tears, or mourning, or pain; when all the remnants of sin have passed away; and when all things are made new. The very thought of Jacob being held in the lap of Jesus makes our hearts leap with joy. He now lives this promise of salvation and renewal – something we can only imagine at the moment. When we ask “why did this happen?” and receive no answer, we look to this promise and calmly say “we trust you, God, to make all things new.”

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” Prov 3:5

(Original appeared May 25, 2016)

Deb and I have given a lot of consideration to how we would like gifts and memorials to be directed in honor of Jacob. In lieu of flowers, please feel welcome to send a memorial to the Suburban Bethlehem Lutheran School Tuition Assistance fund. You can direct them to the school or bring them to the funeral service on Sunday. Our heart is invested in Christian education for children and these gifts would be a great alternative to flowers. Thank you all.

(Original appeared May 25, 2016)

The impact of Jacob’s life has been felt by so many. We are left to wonder how such a little guy, who spent nearly all of his days in a plastic chamber, could have done this? The answer is simple.
God’s influence is everywhere and in every moment. Sometimes he reaches us with a mere whisper. Sometimes, like in this journey, he reaches us like a boulder tossed into a lake. He makes a splash in our lives, and from there the ripples flow out. In concentric circles, evenly spaced and arranged perfectly without our intervention, God reaches out. Further and further the impact is felt even around the floating debris that is the junk in our lives.
For Deb and I, we may never know how far Jacob’s ripples will go or who they might reach. We leave the ripples to God and His good and gracious will. For now, we feel comforted to know that the ripples continue to flow. As time goes on, please feel free to share with us and each other how those ripples have reached you.

(Original appeared May 24, 2016)

We will celebrate Jacob’s life at Suburban Bethlehem Lutheran Church (off Hwy 30) on May 29, 2016 at 4:00pm, with visitation from 2-4pm. There will be a dinner after the service and all are welcome. If you wish to attend the meal, please leave a comment indicating you will attend. That will help us with a head count.

Again, thank you all for your warmth & support throughout this.