Love & Loss (Happy 2nd Birthday, Jacob)

As we ponder what would have been the second birthday of our son, Jacob, I reflect on the “value” of having experienced such love and then such a loss.

A good friend of mine lost his wife to cancer after they had been married just a relatively short time. An older friend of mine recently lost his wife of 56 years to cancer. The local news is replete with a rash of deaths of young children as a result of neglect or abuse. And I just read the obituary of a college-aged neighbor who took his own life. Despite the disparity of time they had spent with their beloved, those various family members I know seem to have no regrets having embarked in the love of these dear ones in the first place.

‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

– Alfred Lord Tennyson

The emotion shown by these families following the passing of their loved ones begs the question of whether the pain was worth it. Why engage in such an intimate relationship only to be crushed? Would it have been better to avoid love in the first place? Certainly not!

Perhaps the deeper and more lasting the love, the more intense the grief. The terrible circumstance of the death of a loved one, regardless of whether they were a lifetime companion or a very young child, brings emotions to a boil in our hearts. Some might question why this parting had to happen in this way or at this time. Some might struggle to find any sort of peace following the loss; the pain is a constant reminder to them of that loss.

If there is one thing I desire to accomplish through this blog it is to bring good news to those who feel this way. My words are credible not only because I have lived through these tough times but I rely fully on the trustworthy words of our Heavenly Father, whom experienced the loss of His own Son. If anyone was capable to truly understand our situation and our feelings, it is God Himself.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.

-Hebrews 4:15

Losses such as these, though varied in many respects, cut deeply into our hearts just the same. The important question is “what are your going to do in response?” How we view our place in God’s overall plan colors how we respond to these losses, and the myriad other challenges we face in life. For me, Jesus’ words to his disciples just prior to his arrest, suffering, and death ring very true to me. Jesus knew He was facing an incredibly brutal future; yet He was focused on the emotional well-being of His closest friends:

[Jesus said] I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

-John 16:33

When we grieve, the basis of the emotion can ebb and flow between any number of concerns:

• The utter loss of someone we loved, who will no longer be in our lives
• The missed opportunities to see a child grow, mature, and accomplish great things
• The guilt which surrounds the loss, as though we could have prevented it
• The anger that someone, or something, took our beloved away
• The fear of an uncertain future without our beloved
• The many unanswered questions, and the associated frustrations

We need to understand that these concerns are rooted in our present view of the world around us. We despair and grieve more so when we are short-sighted, and believe that this world is all there is to life. Thank the Lord that this is not true! He tells us that He has “overcome” the world, which at least in part means that this world no longer has control over us and should no longer color our emotions.

For us, this is a game-changer. Rather than shake our fist in anger and demand answers, or hang our heads in hopelessness, we now have the absolute confidence in the words of our Savior, the act of His sacrifice, and His Resurrection to feel true peace.

He lives to silence all my fears,

He lives to wipe away my tears

He lives to calm my troubled heart,

He lives all blessings to impart.

verse 5, “I know that My Redeemer Lives”. The Lutheran Hymnal #200 (from Job 19:25-27)

You might recall that I wrote in my post Patience about the hymn “It is Well”, written by a father who lost his entire family. Why do composers write such hymns? How in the world can they be joyful, with hearts overflowing, having faced such loss? My guess is that they are not focused on the world but instead on The Word. Jesus’ promise to us is such a boost, and cannot be ignored. It has inspired beautiful hymns of thanks and praise, and I pray that it inspires all of us to rejoice – even in our grief.

So, as we celebrate Jacob’s second birthday, we resist the temptation to become angry, upset, guilty, or sad. Instead, we hold fast to our Easter joy!