The beautiful picture I had in mind slowly fades.
Heartache calloused.
Memory blurred.
Life altered.
These are my thoughts as we approach nine months since Jacob’s birth. Enough time for us to think and reminisce about what happened to us this past year. Enough time to allow the inevitable reality to sink in. Enough time, regrettably, for the memories to begin to fade. The process, I suppose, is part of healing. The problem however is that while the sharp spikes of pain become dull, so do the wonderful images in my head.
For the first time recently, I lost the mental image of Jacob. I had to pull up a photo of him to remind myself what he looked like (and felt compelled in the process to re-publish that photo from my earlier post entitled “Pacifier Photo”). I feel as though the fading memory is both blessing and curse. I am at the same time blessed that the pain is not quite as raw as it once was and cursed that I must search for Jacob’s face when I want to recall that time in our lives.
When I was younger, I often had dreams that included some sort of incapacity: trying to kick a ball but just couldn’t connect; swinging a golf club without ever hitting the ball; running in place while my classmates ran past; searching for something but unable to see it through the imaginary fog. Recalling Jacob is similar in that respect. Frustratingly similar. I have had the same fading memory when it comes to grandparents who have passed. But my own child?
I suppose I should expect this due to the fact that I only spent a very short 44 days with him. Perhaps watching him grow over the course of years may have burned his memory deeper; though perhaps a more solid memory might cause even more pain. Who knows.
I remain so very thankful to our family and friends who have not forgotten Jacob either, and continue to embrace us (figuratively and literally). They help keep his memory alive and well. One particular example is the news we recently received that more individuals had given money to tuition assistance at our day school as a memorial to Jacob. The impact of his life and his story continues.
Jacobs Ripples 
You’ll never forget him. None of us will, but especially you and your family. Do not be afraid of this or think of it as a betrayal. And the memories will come flooding back at times when you least expect it or maybe don’t want it and it’ll be overwhelming but you will cherish the bittersweetness of it.
Ultimately, you will be together with him forever in heaven and all forgetting and pain will no longer matter. “Eye has not seen…”
Also, thank you for reminding us of the tuition fund. I dropped the ball there and this reminded me.
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