Absence of the “Rush”

(Original appeared June 13, 2016)

Deb and I are doing well overall now that we’ve reached nearly three weeks since Jacob left us. The mourning process proceeds as nicely as can be expected. There are many moments of sorrow and questioning, but not outright despair. There are also many moments of joy and hope and positive longing. Interestingly, in addition to all of the more traditional feelings one might experience following a loss like this, we feel “odd”.  That odd feeling defies description really, maybe because it changes and morphs and grows and weakens and comes and goes. It’s tough to put a “finger” on it exactly.

At times, it feels like a punch to the gut, or like a part has been ripped out, or we just stare into space without a thought, or a million other things. But the most interesting feeling is a sense of a loss of the “thrill” and stress and excitement we experienced during those 44 days. We were in full blown survival mode for each of those days, rallying every ounce of energy to manage the situation. And now, it’s gone. There was no peace then and now there is. The quiet is uncomfortable in a way. We seem to miss the constant decision making, and the stress; which is so odd to say because we do not seem to consciously miss it. I certainly wouldn’t want to go through that again if i could help it. But there just seems to be this absence of the rush. That absence gives way to a different feeling of loss and perhaps a desire to get back into the fray. And yet, there’s no more fray.

And so, over the course of the next few weeks, we’ve decided to embark on a course to stay active and engaged. We already know we have a great support network made of wonderful friends and family. Why would we want to curl up or recoil from that?!!. We have so many things to be thankful for and rather than wallow in pity and self-doubt (of which there is great temptation to do), we instead focus on the good. And we are so thankful to all of you for providing that “good”!